My first pair of Sassoon jeans came from a magical place called Next to New. In the eighth grade, who cares if the clothes are slightly used? It’s was a bargain for my mother and a fashion upgrade for me, the dorky girl with high water pants.
Fast forward 23 years, and I still get a slight buzz when entering a consignment shop. True, we don’t have the upscale boutiques where brands such as Donna Karen, Vera Wang, or Versace hang from plastic hangers. This is the flyover country, one of the red states, where a pair of jeans without a rip are considered dressy and a shirt with no stains and all of its buttons means you are on a date. Our consignment shops have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy but in a small town, it’s not a good idea to purchase last year’s fashion if you don’t want someone walking up to you and saying “My black boots looked better with it.” And believe me, they will if given the chance. So to avoid this and other blunders that could get you banned from the Nearly New, follow these simple rules:
Tip #1: Do not take your clothes in for resale on the 9th, 13th, 21st, or 28th of the month. These are the desperation days, ladies and gentlemen. Two or three days before payday, you can purchase a kidney, two lungs, and if you are lucky, an ovary at discount prices. It wouldn’t matter if your clothes still had the tags on them from Dillard’s, Lord and Taylor’s or even Neiman Marcus, the saleswoman will smile her butterbean teeth smile and offer you twenty dollars for the whole lot. And take heed of the grape jelly stained granddaughter that is rambling around the aisles, for she is sure to latch onto your once worn $400 spangly sparkly dress and ruin any chance you have at resale. Coincidence? I think not.
Tip #2: Do not release from your grip any possible purchases until the very last minute. How do I say this without sounding crass OR penitant? In resale shops, normal social mores cease to exist. It is truly every man or woman for themselves, and unless you have lived through a David’s Bridal 12 hour 50% sale, you cannot fathom the greed, deception, and physicality of the situation. Once I had a 65 year old woman pull from my hands a sweater that I was debating on buying…needless to say, I still have that sweater and Gramma sends me postcards from the halfway house. I hope you see my point here. Excuse me’s and pardon me’s aren’t heard in a resale shop unless the policemen have arrived.
Tip #3: Cash is king and stickers can be dickered. Think of an indoor garage sale with only clothing but no crackhead cashier. It’s a barterer’s haven if, and only if, you know how to wheedle the deal without offending the owner. Say a pair of pants are marked ten bucks but you only have seven - offer four, wait for the counter of eight and settle at seven. Presto - you have the jeans probably worn last Saturday night at the Urban Cowboy replica.

Consignment shops, while traditionally female, do carry men’s and children’s clothing. It’s a bonding moment between mother and daughter when she finds a Ralph Lauren dress marked 15 bucks but tries to whittle the price to ten. Men couldn’t care less about the brand, unless it’s golf/football/etc apparel and then you have another addict waiting for his next fix - an Arnold Palmer Sweatshirt, slightly stained, for five bucks.

Join us next week as we glove up and find out What Not To Do at the Vet’s office. Just watching my Sophie getting her temperature taken gives me the willies. Until then, remember to flush once when needed, twice if you are mad at someone in the shower.