It’s inevitable. Boy meets girl, boy marries girl, girl wants new flooring. Children are usually the cause for the new flooring, but that’s best left for another post.

The best, most impractical advice is to NOT do any remodeling yourself. Hire a contractor or consult a designer, but whatever you do, DON’T DO IT YOURSELF.

Now for the rest of us on a planet called Earth, you will face one of the most fiercesome marriage tests known to man (other than living on the ‘Desperate Housewives’ block). It’s been said that hanging wallpaper in and of itself can erode even the strongest of marriages, but to take on remodeling an entire room? That requires devotion, patience, and earplugs designed for airport terminal workers.

It’s important to note that the woman of the home should be responsible for all color selection, schemes, and decor. That way when she is unhappy with her choice, the man is not held responsible (unless he agrees with her choice and then he can be named as a co-defendent). It is also important to note that men should be allowed to approach all home improvement tasks wearing what they want, using what tools they want, and in the order they see fit. There is no point to suggest a Phillips screwdriver would do the job better unless you are filing for divorce in the next 48 hours.

This is a general list of What NOT to do when remodeling your home and can be modified to suit your needs. For example, if you are replacing carpet with laminate flooring, there is no need to hide the tile grout from your angered spouse or painting the dining room walls while arguing about your in-law’s poor timing won’t be a good story at Thanksgiving.

*Don’t repeat the same question while a spouse holds a hammer, screwdriver, or nail gun.
*Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Unless the fire detector is going off AND you see the flames, it is best to let them work undistracted by such petty things such as safety and health.
*Don’t supply beer or other alcoholic beverages to your spouse and his/her assisting friend before the job is completed…unless you plan on using the shop-vac later.
*Don’t appear frustrated with multiple breaks, trips to Home Depot, and/or infinite muttering while staring at the task at hand. Once, a woman dared to interrupt her husband in mid-thought during hardwood floor installation. The yellow caution tape now surrounds the crime scene.
*Don’t encourage small children to learn from Daddy during any remodeling project unless you want them to memorize certain four and five letter words or where certain objects can fit into smaller crevices.

Hopefully, your marriage will remain intact after the last nail has been hammered. It takes years to build a home, a life, and a marriage, but it can take only a few heated moments surrounded by epoxy and quarter round to permanently damage an otherwise sound relationship.

Join us next week when we delve into What Not To do when the in-laws visit.