No, I didn’t wreck my car and become engulfed by invisible fire.
But what I did experience today should become the US government’s newest form of interrogation…

Before you ask, I wasn’t drunk nor did I inhale any large quantities of Liquid Paper. A now former friend said A) it doesn’t hurt, and B) that I wasn’t a real woman until I did it.
And so, believing her and with my womanhood challenged, off to the Salon I went (a gift certificate also is a strong motivator but please remind me to thrash the person who gave that to me!)

No, I won’t detail the actual procedure, but if I had to give specifics, here they are:
Remember what Silly Putty felt like as a kid? Now think of it hot being poured onto a part of your body that has only been exposed to warm water.
Just when I think ‘It won’t hurt’ the technician’s eyes glow red and a demon-like voice says “BE STILL” - I hear the ripping of possible flesh and then the pain, oh my, the pain, the agony, the sheer brutality of it.
I called out to God, to Jesus, and I think at one point I mentioned Mel Gibson (just because Delmer writes about him, I think). And that was only the first of a series of strips as Ava Braun likes to be exacting with her waxing placement.
“You don’t want stragglers,” she says with a smirk.
“Can I have an epidural?” I mumble.
“Oh, you can take it.” She smiles that Nurse Ratchett smile, you know the one, and then rips again.
I think I passed out at one point and may have met Marilyn Monroe who admonished me for doing such a barbaric thing to my body. Then James Dean winked at me, and as he reached out to touch my face, I came to with the waxing Hitler saying, “Okay, now we do the other side.”
OTHER SIDE?
I asked for a cold cloth, a priest, something before she proceeded but she just looked at me and said “Let’s finish it.”
You know, I’ve had two children. I’ve been in a fight with the Rainbow Coalition. I’ve stood my ground with groping men and fiesty women BUT never in my life have I endured so much pain in such little time.
When it was over, and I had cursed everyone, their mothers, five US presidents, three living celebrites and two dead, she patted me on my clammy shoulder and said “you should make an appointment for a month from now. It won’t hurt like that again.”
And I was alone. In a room that should be used to find out the next terrorist plot.
Now if you will excuse me, I must take a handful of assorted pain killers and go to bed.

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In reality, the technician was a lovely woman that ignored my insane pleas for help from beyond. Everything else is true.

My MIL walked for me today, with two person assistance and a rolling walker, and will be transferred to in-patient rehab tomorrow.
I attribute her rapid recovery to your prayers and her strong will to live. Thanks to ALL OF YOU. I’d hug you each but right now, I think sitting is easier……