Let me first say it’s not like I search out these situations.  They seem to find me like dog poop on new shoes, Britney Spears and crotch shots, and Anna Nicole’s paternity lists.

Spring Break, a week only thought enjoyed by topless college girls and horny frat boys…UNTIL NOW.  Ladies and gentlemen, shall I remind you that I was in QUARANTINE WITH TWO CHILDREN WITH THE (I THINK) AVIAN FLU, SIX PUPPIES LIVING, SIX DEAD, AND OH BY THE WAY A CANCELLED TRIP TO AUSTIN, TEXAS?

You can see where the light at the end of the tunnel was shining brightly upon my face when March 5th came around.  Why March 5th?  Hubby gone on week long golf excursion…read those words again…WEEK LONG….remember children left March 2nd thanks to my semi nervous breakdown and kindhearted parents who didn’t want to see my name in headlines for dropping Drama Diva and Casper at the Greyhound Terminal with a twenty.

Again, I will shamelessly plug www.thehereafterishere.com as Mr. Elliott had the good taste to say my name not once, twice but THREE times while on stage. Who doesn’t love their name over a microphone?  As the night and drinks flowed, I was approached by someone that I dare not reveal BUT FOR YOU I will only say his name rhymes with Bon Fod Can Ma’am, and seeing as I was four inches taller than him, it was a little disconcerting to stare at this former action star for long.  I barely could understand what the diminuitive French man said, but  I took offense to his hand gestures so I had to slap him.  Good thing National Enquirer photogs were nowhere near.
I hate to brag at this point to all of the parents that might be reading this, but here goes and I do say this with a ‘nah-nah’ voice:  I WATCHED TWO RATED R MOVIES AT THE CINEMA!  No Pixar, no family moral value, just Reno 911! and the absolutely fabulous ‘300′.  This is where every woman takes a breath and sighs loudly the words ‘three hundred’.  Guys, you will love it too, but it is true beefcake with a theme similar to Braveheart, just bloodier.

Once again, I will say I rarely ask for the attention (ha ha) but there I was eating dinner with a couple of nurses from work when our waiter, with a black eye mind you, had the nerve to flirt with all of us at the same time.  Talk about guts, gotta give the kid some old school credit, but son, I have shoes AND possibly a loofah older than you.  This I had to point out, and then proceeded to ask what woman beat him down.  The conversation went from there, to inbreeding, to ‘can I get an amen, sistahs’!  You see that was a fun night for all involved, even Black eyed Pea (his new official nickname)

It would be nice to say that I did some table/belly/hula dancing, but no such luck.  Unless you count dancing in my living room while folding ONE load of laundry, YES ONE LOAD, all week.  Then yes, I danced like a crazy woman.

To quote Eminem, now it’s back to reality.  And blogging.  Here’s a flash for the future:  MACHINE PITCH LITTLE LEAGUE.  Oh yes, people, there will be some bleacher coaching stories. 
And maybe momma drama. Sorry Eminem.  You are just so quotable.