My buddy Tisha, the owner of this place, has given me the key to the kingdom.  So this won’t be one of those touchy-feely things she does about Uncle Abner and his grope system.  No.  This will be about….uh….Uncle Abner and…..No, forget that.  This will be about witches and ghouls and I forgot to tell you:  Tisha prohibits me from using curse words so, no hell, fire and damnation.  She also says I can’t proselytize Christians to get more atheists so, if you don’t want to believe, I can’t stop you.  She also says there will be no slurs on Tish.  Screw that.

 I am 77 years of aged cheese (Old Horsetail Snake) and I know a few things.  Like, you know you’re too old to Trick and Treat when:

You get winded from knocking on the door.

You have another kid chew the candy for you.

You ask for high fiber candy only.

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag you fall over.

People say “Great Boris Karloff mask” and you’re not wearing a mask.

You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

You keep having to go home to pee.

+ + + + + + + +

A Scot phones a dentist to enquire about the cost of a tooth extraction.

“$100 for an extraction, sir,” he is advised.  “$100!  Hev ye no got anythin’ cheaper?” he inquired.

“That is the normal charge, sir,” said the dentist.

“What about if ye didnae use any anesthetic?” the Scot asked.  The dentist allows that that is unusual, but it would reduce the price by $15.

“What aboot if ye used one or your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?” the Scot continued.

The dentist says, “I can’t guarantee their professionalism and it’ll be painful, but the price could drop to $40.”

“How aboot if ye make it a trainin’ session, ave yer students do the extraction with the other students watchin’ and learnin’?” the Scot asked.

“It’ll be good for the students,” admitted the dentist, “and it’s going to be very traumatic, but I’ll charge you $10.”

“Ochh-man, now yer talkin’ laddie and it’s a deal,” said the Scot.  “Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?”

+ + + + + + + +

This guy goes into the library in a huff.

“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible,” he complained.

“What was wrong with it?” asked the librarian.

“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever.”

The librarian nodded and said, “Ah, so you must be the person who took our phone book.”