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October 24, 2005
What Not to Do...In the Grocery store
Welcome back to the critically reviewed and smash hit, What Not To Do. Today's topic: The Grocery store.
How many times has any or all of the following happened to you?
*A list detailing all of the essentials gets lost in your paper trap of a purse.
*The coupon saved for a specific reason is now a gum receptacle in the bottom of said paper trap purse.
*Making eye contact with someone shopping in the produce section most likely will end in a shopping stalker syndrome.
*Any question you pose to a cross-eyed clerk will result in twenty minutes of useless explanation, excuses, or a story outlining her fifth husband's drinking problem.
*Three small children bump into your cart, causing a domino effect of tumbling canned fruit, potato chip bags, and reduced price Parmesan cheese.
*Your significant other/spouse sends you for the most intimate purchase, either feminine hygiene products or male birth control, and the teenage clerk purposefully calls for a price check.
*Standing in line for the half priced steaks, you witness a near brawl between a truck driver's wife and a Pentecostal Holiness member for the last two T-bones.
In each of these cases, there is one common denominator: your presence in the store. A simple solution?
In reality, most of us can't order our entire grocery list delivered in, unless you are extraordinarily wealthy OR live in a padded cell. Your best bet? Get ready for a sure fire but militant answer.
*No eye contact with anyone at any time while shopping.
*No conversation of any kind with anyone while shopping.
*When pushing the cart, you are the WARRIOR and the aisles are your *domain.
*No fear demonstrated when dealing with sales items, specials, or limit two to a customer pricing.
*Never, never, never write a check. (This in and of itself will save you more grief and hateful looks than you can know.)
Remember, before the invention of the supermarket, there were hunters and gatherers in charge of procurement, preparation, and preservation of all foods. If you dig deep inside, you will find the basic instincts are still there. Aisle nine is the perfect place to rediscover them.
This advice is purely for entertainment value. Any grocery store incidents, arguments, and or altercations cannot be a direct result from reading this post, nor will the author be held responsible for her behavior at the next double coupon Monday. Copyright 2005.
Posted by Tish at October 24, 2005 07:15 AM
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Comments
They tried the Peapod thing here in Dallas a while back, then there was grocery.com. They both ended up fizzling out.
I don't buy many groceries anyway. There are advantages to not cooking.
Posted by: FTS at October 24, 2005 10:55 PM
HAH! I laugh at supermarkets, for I shop at the great Wally World superstore! On the day they bus in those from the outer reaches of the lands, where cars are on blocks, dogs are on the porch, and kids wear diapers only, year 'round! (Those who have not already been brought in to run the registers, that is).
Posted by: steelcowboy at October 25, 2005 06:03 AM
As FTS said, we used several online grocery delivery services in Dallas. The prices were competitive, they took coupons, the meat and produce was better that what you picked up at the store, they compliled list of your "usual items" so you could just check them off AND they delivered on the day and time you requested. The only thing missing was that they didn't put the groceries away. We never had a complaint and the fee was only $10 - more than worth the time savings and avoiding the .... well, you know.
I'm STILL scratching my head about why they went under.
Posted by: Mike at October 25, 2005 09:34 AM
My favorite grocery store memory is of my (then) one year old chunking jars of babyfood on the floor to watch them go "splat". Priceless.
Posted by: poopie at October 25, 2005 10:06 AM
All good advice, Tish. It is sometimes a dog eat dog (not in the meat dept.), survival of the fittest environment. I feign an air of detachment, like I'm there but I'm not there act. It usually works and the battle swirls around me as I seek the shortest line while, as you say, avoiding eye contact.
Posted by: Paul at October 25, 2005 12:38 PM
Tip for the "post-glance grocery row stalker" syndrome: if they walk up and want to know if you were "looking for trouble", tell 'em no: you already know where the trouble is: aisle#6, in the beans section.
Posted by: Skunkfeathers at October 25, 2005 01:32 PM
Oh, this is wonderful. And I am sure there is more to it.
Posted by: old horsetail snake at October 25, 2005 06:07 PM
This is unrelated but: I want the bladder story! You said (in the comments section of my current post) that you have a good one for me. Gimme!
Posted by: Karla at October 25, 2005 07:40 PM
Your advice is never dull ;-)
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at October 26, 2005 07:17 AM
but i love wall*mart!!!
Posted by: IAN, gay in rehab! at October 26, 2005 01:30 PM
Hey Tish, can't comment on your water problem, at least as far as I can see, though that may be intentional, hope not.
Posted by: Paul at October 26, 2005 01:45 PM
I am trying to comment on the post above - but there is no comment link for that post. Odd.
Anyway, why don't you go to a health club and take a temporary or trial membership for the family - then you can all shower there.....LOL
Posted by: kenju at October 26, 2005 03:30 PM
Test comment.
Posted by: Shylah at October 27, 2005 01:41 PM
I try to go and shop when there is as little as possible other shopper...between 7pm and 8pm works for me :)
Posted by: Staircase365 at October 27, 2005 03:34 PM
I've had a similar experience with our old oil-burning furnace (which provided our hot water) long ago. For a day or two, we froze and couldn't bathe! Needless to say, I hit the mall and wore a hat!
Good luck getting things all fixed!
Posted by: nat at October 27, 2005 05:12 PM