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November 07, 2005
What Not to Do..when the In-laws visit
It's a side effect that isn't discussed during pre-nuptual bliss. As the bride, you are too busy deciding the fate of your bridesmaids' dresses, the color of the flowers, and the romantic songs to be played before your entrance. As the groom, you are swamped with decisions regarding where to have the bachelor party, how much to spend on the bachelor party, and can you wear the rented tux to both the bachelor party AND the wedding. So it stands to reason that the upcoming visits by either set of in-laws won't be discussed, planned for, or even thought of until their Crown Ford Victoria pulls into the driveway.*
For women, the visit of her parents is special time for her to showcase not only her marriage but her adult coping skills. For the husband, it's yet another opportunity for them to point out, discreetly of course, his shortcomings, faults, and failures to that moment.* If the husband stays out in the shop or garage for three consecutive hours, chances are that he is ducking one of the following conversations:
"Why does my daughter have to work when you should make enough for her to stay home?"*
"What is your plan to insure my daughter's happiness in the form of material things, financial security, and painless childbirth?"*
"When will you take some responsibility in this house and do the dishes/laundry/vacuuming/etc.?"*
What the husband doesn't realize is that while he is hiding out in the garage/shop, the wife is dodging all of these and other questions as well as taking constructive criticism about her decorating abilities, cooking skills, choice of budgetary control or lack thereof, and/or when to start a family.*
When the husband's family comes to visit, roles reverse to a certain degree. The husband proudly remains inside of the home, allowing his mother to spoil him like the baby he is in her mind's eye. This is not helpful for the wife who is trying to retrain him to function as a semi-mature adult that can cut his own food, pour his own drinks, and run his own showers. While the wife may hear the same nuggets of wisdom from her mother-in-law as she did from her own mother, it isn't taken the same way. For example, her mother can tell her to use more sugar in the iced tea, but when the mother-in-law suggests it, possible broken glasses may litter the kitchen counter. It's easy to hear from your own mother how you are using too much fabric softener, but when a mother-in-law provides the same assessment, shrill voices from the master bedroom will be heard later that night.*
There are few choices when dealing with the in-law visits. Unless you live in Cairo, they will come at least once a year during the honeymooner stage. As the children arrive, you can guarantee visits will increase exponentially. Some say there is a correlation between how colicky a child is and the increased amount of in-law visits, but the Russian scientists still haven't returned their data on this phenomena.
The best advice is to never marry. Next to that, you have little to no choice in the matter. Unless you are both orphans, which in that case you should deal quite nicely with marriage. Until the children come along, that is.
Join us next week for another installment of What Not to Do. We will be tackling the delicate situation of eating at buffets during senior citizen discount days.
*DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION AND/OR REFLECTION OF THE AUTHOR'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HER PARENTS, HER IN-LAWS, HER HUSBAND'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HER PARENTS OR HIS OWN. NOTHING SHOULD BE READ INTO THIS NOR TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.
Posted by Tish at November 7, 2005 03:43 PM
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Comments
Oh, no one is going to buy that disclaimer, particularly THEM. The Holidays are going to be one interesting time around the Sharp's this year and probably from here on out.
You just sold your soul and indirectly, that of the husbands, for some laughs. It's a great column, I loved it, even while feeling a strange sadness for your Holiday Home.
Posted by: Paul of York at November 7, 2005 05:19 PM
I put a sticker on your blog. It says, "Monster-in-Law Seal of Approval!"
Posted by: Paul N. at November 7, 2005 06:24 PM
Very funny. I have some weird in-law stories, but I can't post them here because my hubs would just die.
Posted by: kenju at November 7, 2005 08:59 PM
Ready to hate me? I get along with my mother-in-law beautifully. I really could do without my FIL, but apparently most people feel that way about him. N has never met my parents in person (we're going in Feb), but I'm sure they'll get along. I thank my lucky stars every day that my MIL is not an evil, wicked, horrible monster.
Posted by: Crystal at November 7, 2005 09:22 PM
Lucky my MIL is afraid of dogs and I always have a few of my guard dogs around when she visits. The dogs protect me from questions like - Why can't you be a doctor instead of being a dog trainer?; why is your neighbour's lawn nicer looking than yours?; I hear that you can't have children........
Posted by: layman at November 8, 2005 07:01 AM
I am in the weird (enviable?) position of being married but having no inlaws. My husband's parents had passed away before we met. So despite the sadness of my kids only having one pair of grandparents, I have to admit we've had an easy time of it (particularly around the holidays, when we don't have to hurt anyone's feelings deciding who to visit).
On the other hand, I still have a lot of early bird senior eating issues with my own parents.
Posted by: Melanie Lynne Hauser at November 8, 2005 08:54 AM
Maybe this is why I've been single for sixteen years. Hmmm...
Posted by: FTS at November 8, 2005 09:57 AM
"I saw dandruff on his coat collar, and he has never had dandruff, so I wonder...."
"Did you ever notice how PLAIN his wedding band is?"
"Wash-and-wear STILL needs ironing, I think."
Posted by: old horsetail snake at November 8, 2005 12:01 PM
Disclaimer read and incorporated into overall read ;)
As to the next installment, I'm thrilled to hear about this one. I've always wanted to know what to do when I encounter a set of teeth in the mashed taters...
Posted by: Skunkfeathers at November 8, 2005 02:19 PM
Terrific summary.
My in-laws are convinced that I'm just a phase my wife is going through. I'm not Catholic enough (I'm Jewish), I don't make enough money (I'm an aspiring novelist; eternally poor), and I don't vote Democrat. My father in law hasn't challenged me to a fist-fight yet, but he has proclaimed victory in the "who can drink hotter coffee while reeling in an angry salmon in a rusty rowboat" competition.
I still have scars.
Posted by: Stevin at November 8, 2005 04:06 PM
Crown Ford Victoria? Ick.
As usual Tish your posts are very informative!!!
Being single is looking better and better ;-)
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at November 9, 2005 07:16 AM