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November 10, 2005
Reason #3 My children will need psychotherapy as adults
Most of America buys into the fat man in a red suit delivering gifts. Some of America carries the legend further by placing half eaten sandwiches and empty milk glasses near the fireplace for Christmas morning. But I am willing to bet that few parents exploit jolly old St. Nick as much as I do.
The old adage that "Santa knows when you are bad or good" isn't just sung in our house. Instead of telepathic powers, Santa also has required me to make monthly phone calls to the Elf Hotline. The closer we get to Christmas, these calls become weekly and then daily if need be. Most children take a parent at their word, but Drama Diva likes hard evidence, so who better to imitate an elf than many of my 85 year old patients on oxygen? It's too bad I can't provide them helium to recreate that smurf-like voice, but you can see the level of duplicity in this scheme.
Writing a letter to Santa is traditional for most kids, but here in the Sharp compound, we take it to another level. In order to weed out the undesirable presents (those with multiple parts, loud noises, any type of goop, etc), lists are formed with parental advice. This helps Santa decide which are the most important gifts and which are better left for birthday/good grades. Drama Diva questioned why, when she listed an alarm clock last year, it wasn't delivered. "Because the alarm would have been too loud, remember?" This may be called pretend reverse psychology but it works well under this roof.
Of course, the annual visit to the mall's Santa isn't complete without slipping him/her an extra ten to remember Casper and Drama Diva's name, last three 'naughties', and their current report card. Do I feel guilt for paying off Santa? The first time, maybe, but when their eyes widened at the prospect that not only does Santa know when you are good and bad BUT he knows exactly what you did and when, I was officially a Santa pimp. Or would I be the john? You get the point.
There is no doubt in my mind that both of my children and possibly two of my dogs will be in some sort of mental therapy all because of my parenting skills. I say this with a mix of shame and pride because although it's not healthy to push your children into delusions, having a syndrome named after you is pretty cool.
Posted by Tish at November 10, 2005 08:02 PM
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Comments
Well, I like it all. Christmas is memories and you are filling them with a ton to talk about and harass you about later. Although, you guys are really innovative. I hang my head in shame thinking about comparisons but it's the spirit.
Also, the ability to keep slightly more order for a while.
Never thought of slipping Santa $10, did the phone thing though. A lot of singing - that's what put the kids in therapy.
Posted by: Paul of York at November 10, 2005 09:28 PM
That was so cute - ya melted my heart, T.
Posted by: Mike (ex scientia) at November 10, 2005 09:54 PM
You mean to tell me Santa really didn't have the goods on me? None of that was real? I think I need to sit down...
Posted by: FTS at November 10, 2005 11:59 PM
My pet rock is decomposing a letter to Santa as I type; and what's with the cantaloupe in my hoo-hoo? I didn't give you a drive-in bedroom ;)
Posted by: Skunkfeathers at November 11, 2005 12:20 AM
I stuck a sticker on your blog today. A cartoon of a little kid wearing a Santa stocking cap down over his eyes and ears. The sticker says, "Sharp!"
Posted by: Paul N. at November 11, 2005 09:13 AM
I have had the Tish Syndrome for years but I didn't know my dad was slipping the old man in the red suit 10s.
Posted by: layman at November 11, 2005 09:25 AM
Rock on! I think I'll "adopt" a few of these ideas. Thanks!
Posted by: Crystal at November 11, 2005 11:23 AM
That's the most devious stuff I ever heard of. You going to warp your children at warp speed?
(Dear Young Daughter: Start leaving the seat up on the toilet. Make Mom wonder what the heck, start looking for elves year-round...or gremlins.)
Posted by: old horsetail snake at November 11, 2005 09:00 PM
Thanks for the tips. My oldest is just now four and really getting to where this stuff will come in handy.
Posted by: sleepingmommy at November 11, 2005 10:52 PM
I am so stealing a few of those ideas! My oldest still has a few good Santa years left in her, and the Bubba Boy is just understanding Santa...this is gonna be good!
Posted by: Lisa at November 12, 2005 08:19 AM