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November 21, 2005
What Not To do at the Movie Theatre (Theater, Cineplex, etc)
For $4.75, you'd expect a high quality movie experience, wouldn't you? Maybe in 1975 or even 1985, but in 2005 you can expect an experience not unlike the first day of Kindergarten - chaos, misbehaving children, unaware parents, and complete disregard for basic etiquette..
So what do you do?
Video stores are popular for a reason. They take out any and all chance of running into one of the three worst offenders lurking in Cinemark's multiplexes.
The Talker: These are the original shape shifters of our universe. Cell phones, whisperers, loud talkers, and narrators - they all have the same effect on any movie. As sure as the sun rises in the east, when the lights dim in movie theaters across the nation, they begin their rambling, chattering, and inane babbling for all within three aisles to hear.
Tip #1: Popcorn makes great ammunition when a shush just isn't getting the job done. Face it, you have entered the virtual Thunderdome of our society, so there are no rules. Take aim and fire away.
The Giggler: What the talker lacks in obnoxiousness, the giggler more than makes up for in multiple guffaws during key yet inappropriate moments. What is funny during an intense conversation between two main characters is beyond me, or any other sane person for that matter. If there was a King amongst these devils, it would be the Spitting Giggler, who spreads his salivary cheer in your hair or into your popcorn bag.
Tip #2: Fight fire with fire. If you think dirty looks or a murmured 'shut up' will do the trick, think again. These people understand only one method of control - confrontation. Stand, point, and bellow the following words: "IT'S YOU! THE SHOPLIFTER FROM DILLARDS/COSTCO/TARGET!" Chances are they will sink into their chair and not be heard from again, until you are sued for defamation of character, but that is a small price to pay for 2 donkey bray-free hours of cinematic bliss.
The Children: How precious our bundles of joy are when we first bring them home. And home is where they should stay when planning on taking in any movie that doesn't have Pixar, Disney, or a cast of ten year olds. Nothing good can come from a five year old boy learning Hannibal's taste in food or studying Uma Thurman's skill in Kill Bill Vol 1 or 2. It's not cute to hear the squeals of horror from a four year old girl while a decapitation the size of a car fills her vision.
Tip #3: Use any means necessary. There are times for tolerance, and then there are times when a child's innocence and your movie investment are going to collide. A whispered DHS phone call, a mention of psychological child abuse, or in the worst case, notification of the manager could have the child and parents removed. Your car may be keyed, but the child won't have to learn the word cannibalism until Daddy buys him the DVD for his birthday.
Bottom line: Don't go to the movies. God knows WHAT they do to the butter like substance they squirt in your popcorn....that's all I want to say about that. The sodas are overpriced, the nachos are stale, and the candy is smaller than the Halloween sampler packs. The days of the silver screen are gone, and now we should satisfy ourselves with the 56" monstrosity in our living room.
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Join us next week as we delve into the world of beauty and what NOT to do at the hair salon. Until then, keep your upper lip clean and your lower jaw tight. Makes better pictures that way.
Posted by Tish at November 21, 2005 05:13 PM
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Comments
I always feel like I need a shower after visiting the theatre. Still - I love the big screen experience. I would love to have my own theatre. PARTY AT KEELY'S!!!
Posted by: Keely at November 22, 2005 12:08 AM
I so agree! I rarely go to see movies in the theater. But where are you going for $4.75?? Last time I went it was about 8-bucks!!!
Posted by: wordwhiz at November 22, 2005 05:32 AM
$4.75? IF ONLY!!! I haven't seen THAT price in a long, long time ;-)
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at November 22, 2005 07:09 AM
Truly, you could tempt me with a $1,000 bill and I would turn you down. Netflix is a great substitute; no time limit, inexpensive and as close as my mailbox.
You'll remember my one exception was a semi-private showing at the Studio Movie Grill. An enclosed private area, good food AND adult beverages - I might consider that again. And nothing was sticky. Ha.
Good post!
Posted by: Mike (ex scientia) at November 22, 2005 07:35 AM
I haven't been in a theatre for more than 3 years because of the lovely viewing atmosphere they offer. I AM breaking my ban to surprise my husband with an anniversary viewing of Walk The Line... who can resist Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash?? I WILL be implementing your tips, especially the "Look! It's the shoplifter from Target!" one. Thanks!!
Posted by: Crystal at November 22, 2005 09:09 AM
I remember waiting to attend the opening of ST: Nemisis with great anticipation. It was a packed theatre, and as was my luck I ended up sitting directly in front of a woman, her friend, and a small child. The little boy jabbered through the entire movie, asking questions in a very loud voice. Many people were saying "Shhhhh!" to no avail, we would all turn around and give them looks, but the mother turned rebellious and let her "little angel" yammer on.
'Nuff said on that. Gets my blood boiling again when I think about it...
Posted by: FTS at November 22, 2005 10:10 AM
I second, (well third my comment) The movie cost $4.75? Prices must have gone down for films! When I left the US 4 years ago they were asking $8.50.
Posted by: J.Doe at November 22, 2005 11:44 AM
They still have movie theatres? Theaters? Amphitheaters? Anteaters?
I prefer to stay home and indulge in the slowly-growing collection of DVDs I'm acquiring; it's quieter, less obtrusive, and if I find myself sticking to anything, at least I know what it is and how it got there, unless my pet rock did it, then I don't want to know.
Posted by: Skunkfeathers at November 22, 2005 12:05 PM
I can't stand going to the theater, and will only do it for 1 man (boy) from now on - Harry Potter.
**Warning BIG RANT**
My last movie experience was Wallace & Gromit and featured a darling little girl who had just learned to climb steps. They were already in the theater when we got there and the little girl went up the stairs, and then down the stairs the whole time before the lights went down. She also did it through all of the commercials, through all of the previews...and the whole damn movie. Well, except for a brief time when she slipped in the dark, banged her chin on a step, bit her tounge and screamed bloody murder and was never removed from the theater; thats when she didn't go up and down the steps.
Glad I dropped $40 on tickets and $15 on popcorn for that.
Posted by: cursingmama at November 22, 2005 01:16 PM
I have been to several movies only on account of my son lately and after the last I vowed NO MORE!! $9 for the movie (apiece) and kids talk through the whole thing, kick your chairs and act obnoxious. It might be a 'kid' movie (PG-13) but there should still be a parent there. I won't do it again.
Posted by: Bea at November 22, 2005 01:26 PM
I like going to movies, but normally choose to go to the late night show on a week night, where (hopefully) the kids are in bed where they should be. The kiddies ones I go to I just take for granted will be noisy and chaotic, and live with it.
Posted by: Staircase365 at November 23, 2005 12:54 AM
wow! great post! I too look at the seats in the theater before I sit down and you would think they were selling gold with the prices they charge for the refreshments, then don't get me started about the restrooms, that would be another post in itself!! lol
Posted by: Dana at November 23, 2005 06:45 AM
I may never go to the movie theater again, because in my parent's new house, they have a bonus room that they have converted into a home theater. 110" screen, projector mounted from the ceiling, surround sound. Seating on risers is forthcoming. I'm spoiled forever. Only problem is, they won't allow popcorn or any food in there. What do you expect for free, I guess?
Posted by: Monique at November 23, 2005 08:23 AM
How about the seat kicker? The one that sits behind you and kicks your seat the entire movie. It never fails, they always sit behind me.
Posted by: Gyspymom at November 23, 2005 10:17 AM
What is worse than the "talker" is the "talker who tells." This is the guy who has seen the movie before, and keeps telling his date, "Now watch what happens here. He's going to grab ass and she's going to belt him, and they both fall through this plate-glass skylight, and then..."
Posted by: old horsetail snake at November 23, 2005 12:07 PM