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January 23, 2006
What Not to Do...at basketball practice
It's every parent's dream to see their child excel in some sport or after school activity. For many, collegiate athletics or championship chess tournaments are out of reach, so they rest their hopes on what I have come to know as the first ring of Hell, Church League basketball practice.
When you hear the phrase "Church League", thoughts of angelic children being gently coaxed by Steven Covey inspired coaches spring to mind and parents mingling on the sidelines quietly motivating their darlings to victory.
Instead, what you will find during practice is minimum six snotty nosed kids, four of which are fascinated with touching their nose AND your child's face every other minute. You will see three parents, sitting across the gym with head buried in a Blackberry or rehashing their divorce proceedings loudly for all to hear. There are no Stephen Covey inspired coaches, only Gerald, a plumber with the butt crack to prove it, trying to coach while holding his youngest prodigy, May Nicole. You may find yourself wondering what can I do to improve this situation? Whatever you do, think of these tips first before attempting any "Super" parent intervention.
Tip #1: NEVER volunteer to hold Coach's offspring during practice. She may look innocent and cuddly, but unless you brought your shin guards and chest protector, get ready for the beating of your life. Not since you had your first encounter with a school yard bully have you had such abuse, all at the hands of a three year old Linda Blair clone. And as much as you'd like to instill the smallest of manners in her/him, remember they are not your child nor your responsibility. It might be a good thing to note, however, their full name in case their future career is home invasion.
Tip #2: Don't make eye contact with the uncoordinated kid's parent. This is only asking for trouble. I know, every parent likes to think that their child has potential, and many times they do...unless their child literally trips on the painted lines on the court, dodges every basketball as if they were a hand grenade, or busies themselves with the uniform colors instead of what the uniform is for. Eye contact with this kid's parent means endless questions, meaningless conversation, and crowded personal space at every practice and game.
Tip #3: Don't provide any biographical information that might loop you into the 'assistant' coach role. It doesn't matter if you played for Coach K in the NCAA finals or had the state's junior high record for free shots, this is not the place to boast about it. Loose lips sink ships, and bragging 'bout your play will ruin your day, my brother. Better to say you've watched basketball on TV. Saves your hairline and your sanity that way.
I hope this glimpse into organized sports helps you deal with the potential disasters so you can focus on what really matters: learning where the ref lives that calls a foul on your future NBA all star.
Join me next time as we delve into the world of resale/consignment shopping and the women that run them. Until then, stay on the right side of road and the left side of trouble. Unless you are in England, then reverse that. Or Australia.
Posted by Tish at January 23, 2006 07:21 PM
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Comments
When I read and hear stuff like this, I'm glad my son's way more into his music and XBox live than organized sports. It is the brave parent that is so involved they even attend practices. I commend you.
Posted by: Peaches at January 23, 2006 10:42 PM
not sure how I arrived at your spot..
but wanted to say I was here.
cute spot you have here..
m
Posted by: ImCheleIn[dot]La at January 24, 2006 04:00 AM
Carry a video camera and tell them you're thinking of making a documentary of the team or that you have to tape the game for their bed-ridden father/mother/grandparent/uncle/aunt. The battery can be dead anytime you find something better to do.
Posted by: Paul of York at January 24, 2006 09:18 AM
I was one of them what fits your second category (as the kid, not the parent); more uncoordinated person on the basketball court didn't exist. That's one court that should have convicted me.
Posted by: Skunkfeathers at January 24, 2006 01:05 PM
#4 Or, for sanity, get somebody else to take your budding jammer to practice...and when he comes home, DON'T ask him "How'd it go?" It never goes well.
Posted by: old horsetail snake at January 24, 2006 01:56 PM
Tish,
Well it feels like I know you...I'll get to that in a minute, but I had to crack up when I saw the Stephen Covey comment. Long story even longer...I'm getting my master's in Mil Ops at ACSC and leadership and Covey were a big part of it. Well so much so that I had to ignore some of the lessons and write a novel...there is more about that on my website I just started under fiction. Oh, how did I come upon your site? I googled my wife's name to see if our sos story in the fiction page would show, ya see her name is Tish :-)
Posted by: Daniel Norman at January 25, 2006 06:08 AM
Ah, hanging out at my future daugher's game on Saturday, huh? Sorry I missed you.
:)
Posted by: steelcowboy at January 25, 2006 06:16 AM
Tish, thanks for the tip. I'll try to remember that when baseball season comes around in the spring. :)
Posted by: Bill at January 25, 2006 08:27 AM
One advantage of the empty nest is you don't find yourself on the risers anymore. I love the interview series below-well done, Tish.
And say, what happened to Mike (ex scientia)? I click over there and find the icons to good links but not him. Is he off somewhere?
Posted by: Vicki at January 25, 2006 09:56 AM