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February 20, 2006
Miss Virginia and the Whooping heard 'round the school
Apart from the size and brightness of hair color, this accurately portrays Miss Virginia. Standing 6'1", she towered over many of the male residents in Charred Embers Nursing Home. If you added in her hair height, she'd almost be an NBA all-star.
Miss Virginia had no children of her own, but was fortunate enough to marry a 'panty waist' of a man who happened to have a son, Elrod. While she could barely stomach her husband, Elrod garnered permanent favor in her eyes after he, at age seven, cleaned up all the dog poo from under the double wide trailer.
According to Miss Virginia, she had to, and I quote, "go down to that school and just whoop some ass." Seems Elrod's second grade teacher, Miss Roseworm, made the fatal mistake of paddling delicate Elrod's bottom after he glued her gradebook to the floor. The paddling left three distinct marks across his rump, which caused the following chain reaction per Miss Virginia's account:
I got out my starch pressed blue jeans and garden shirt, 'cause everyone knows you gotta dress for parent-teacher conference. I walked right up to that Miss Wooly Rose what's her face, and said, do you know who I am? Do you know what she did? She wrinkled her nose like I just rolled around in dogsh%%. That would be the last thing she did as I reared my right fist back and knocked her cold out, right there in the floor.
Tell us more, Miss Virginia.
Well, my nerves were shot and so I headed on down to the nearest bar for a cold beer. And here he come, the principal, strolling to my table like he owned Benjamin Franklin's five and dime. He said, did you hit Miss RoseBush? I finished my beer in two gulps and stood up over that tiny man and said: Yep, and if you want some of this, just give me the word.
Seeing as Miss Virginia liked to tell, retell, and again tell this story to all that dared to make eye contact, many of the residents decided to challenge her version. During one of her repeat performances, the men drew straws and a dwarfish man became the 'principal'. He approached Miss Virginia with the same caution afforded a rattlesnake in a mailbox.
"You know, I should have expelled him for that."
"Who the hell are you, Mister?" Miss Virginia fired back.
"I was the principal you threatened, old lad----"
But he didn't finish the sentence.
Miss Virginia laid to rest any doubt in the minds of Charred Embers Nursing Home by suckerpunching the dwarf in the mid section. And then, she asked for a cold brewskie.
Posted by Tish at February 20, 2006 04:42 PM
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Comments
Surely you jest!
Posted by: pennyhalston at February 20, 2006 06:14 PM
i like Miss Virginia. She sounds like my kind of woman....cold brewskis and punching out peeps
Posted by: meeta at February 20, 2006 07:33 PM
Oh my!! You do realize that now the trolls are going to be after you for dare suggesting they do ANYTHING with that much decisiveness!! Miss Virginy would have had to at least debated the pros and cons of hitting her for at least 3 days,allowing for a slow and simple getaway. And that pic!! Showing them in a much better light then they actually are!! Their life-sucking lawyers will be after you for sure. And to suggest cold brewskis? Arrrrggghhh. She will surely choke on her Pinot Noir upon seeing that!!(2006...vintage year,ya hear??)
Hehehe..good stuff.
Posted by: Justthinkin at February 21, 2006 05:57 AM
...she was (is?) probably still a virgin.
Posted by: Paul N. at February 21, 2006 10:12 AM
And that made the doubting Thomas a sight for "sore" eyes.
Great story, Tisher.
Posted by: old horsetail snake at February 21, 2006 11:01 AM
LOL...Miss Virginia is walking, breathing, breathing proof of the dangers of mixing brewskis and barlighting. Among other things ;)
Posted by: Skunkfeathers at February 21, 2006 01:33 PM
I do believe I know her :)
Posted by: poopie at February 21, 2006 04:44 PM