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February 24, 2006
The Invisible Man made a pass at me
An old man's grope, no problemo. You either fend them off with a Karate Kid move (wipe on, wipe off) or distract them with Bob Barker's latest showcase showdown. If that doesn't work, the more assertive approach may be necessary.
But when the man is literally invisible, what can you do? Many people still talk to their dead spouses but how many of them carry on a full conversation AND chastize said spouse for grabbing a therapist's butt during an evaluation?
"He's so frisky when new women come around." Miss Tealeaf waved her cigarette around. "Herman, leave her alone!"
My eyes darted around the room for any cameras in the corners or hidden men ready to push me right onto the kitchen dinette set from 1963.
"Just slap him, honey. That's the only way he'll stop." It was more of a commandment, a test I think, to see if I bought into this delusion.
"Uh, Herman, just like the old saying, lookee no touchee, okay buddy?" I tried to pat Invisible Herman on the shoulder.
"She most certainly is not. Herman, you apologize right now." Her face reddened with hallucinatory anger. "Dammit Herman! This is exactly why we can never have people over for supper. You insult them and then what? I am stuck here with you and Franklin over there every weekend."
Franklin, an apparent taxidermist's first attempt at stuffing a cat, sat on the buffet table ready to pounce or hump the nearest person.
"That's IT! I WANT A DIVORCE!" Miss Tealeaf shuffled off to her bedroom and shut the door, leaving me alone with Herman.
I am not saying that it was possible, but for one moment before I left the house, I think I felt a hand on my butt.
Posted by Tish at February 24, 2006 08:01 PM
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Comments
"It was more of a commandment, a test I think, to see if I bought into this delusion."
You are smart. I know what you're talking about. I've seen it myself with the most sly types of nuts.
Posted by: Patrick Joubert Conlon at February 24, 2006 09:12 PM
Herman told me he couldn't resist because it was such a nice tush. He thinks. On the other hand, maybe it was invisible, like you always wanted.
Posted by: old horsetail snake at February 24, 2006 09:31 PM
You'd better hope it IS invisible Herman, and that Buford didn't get hisself an invisibility cloak off Ebay...
Posted by: Skunkfeathers at February 25, 2006 12:05 PM
I had a friend whose husband had a full size stuffed grizzly bear ( standing )he shot , a mountain lion and other large stuffed game in their living room. She used to say she had decorating challenges. Trust me, it made an impact when you walked in their home. Why don't you talk dirty to Herman? It might scare his off. :)
Posted by: Mike at February 25, 2006 06:45 PM
Tish, it's not bad enough you have problems with visible perverts you have to contend with horny poltergeists too. Makes you want to lock the door and stay home. (get rid of the televisions)
Posted by: Paul of York at February 25, 2006 09:23 PM
Maybe Herman is kin to Harvey the Rabbit...
Just a thought. ;)
Posted by: Beth at February 26, 2006 10:09 AM