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February 26, 2006
Men of the Bible Interviews: Moses
Welcome back to the Men of The Bible Interviews! Today we have the distinct pleasure of dishing with Moses, the man who brought us the Ten Commandments, the plagues, and a taste for manna.
Moses: And I'd like to thank my sponsor, Just for Men Mustache and Beard coloring, for the all natural look.
Tish: Huh?
Moses: What? Women get to color their hair every day, so what's wrong with us men hiding the gray as well? Am I right or am I right fellows? (Smiles cheesily towards a pretend audience)
Tish: Okay...can you tell us about your time in Egypt?
Moses: That's old news, girl. Let's talk about my new line of persuasion products.
Tish: Persuasion?
Moses: You can't send locusts everytime you want to get your way now, little missy. The world operates differently then it did when just a few toads appearing could change the world. Now you have to get the attention of your rival using 21st century methods.
Tish: To do what?
Moses: To buckle under, of course. For $29.95 a month, we can guarantee that not only will your business rival be enundated with spam emails, but they will also be hounded by foreign telemarketers 24/7.
Tish: That sounds more like coercion than competition.
Moses: Hey, it's survival of the fittest girly cakes, if you can't swim in the bloody water, don't jump out of the boat if you know what I am saying. Anyway, for $49.95, we can create a custom viral worm that will infiltrate and attack any portion of their computer networks. Lemme tell you, this is SO much easier than those outdated plagues we used way back. Less mess but same effect.
Tish: But the purpose of the plagues was to set your people free, Moses. This doesn't sound like the same issue is at stake.
Moses: Wake up and smell the manna girl! It's a new age, which means the old tried and true techniques aren't going to work. You think turning a wooden staff into a snake gets people anymore? That fruitcake David Copperfield does that seven days a week and twice on Sunday in Vegas. We are also tossing around the idea of Catastrophic life insurance against all the biggies: flood, famine, locusts, frogs, etc. It's still in development but looks very promising.
Tish: How about we discuss the Ten Commandments. Those tablets have influenced modern law and morality more than any other document in history.
Moses: Gone with black and white TV, babe. If I had to do it all over again, I'd shorten it, jazz it up, and use more color. It's all in the presentation.
Tish: SHORTEN THE COMMANDMENTS?? ARE YOU MAD??
Moses: I don't know why your feathers are all ruffled. Other than adultery or murder, you haven't been the most obedient chickadee. It's a fast food world now, no time for multiple rules and regulations.
Tish: So your answer to the Ten Commandments is what? Complete chaos? Anarchy?
Moses: Hey, don't shoot the messsenger. Besides, you are tearing down the Commandments right and left. Soon there won't be a list of rules anywhere in this country to live by. That's why I say keep it simple stupid - my slogan by the way but Aaron stole it from me. You know the main guy, Jesus? He's got the perfect answer with that Golden Rule of His. Brilliant! Man I wish I had him on my marketing team.
Tish: Thanks for the chat, Moses.
Moses: No problem, and here's a little something for your kids (hands Tish a basket full of Quaker rice cakes).
Tish: I suppose this is manna.
Moses: It sure ain't a t-bone steak, baby. Believe me, we would have LOVED to see a steak fall from the sky back then....
Join us next week as we meet Jacob, a man who sought the hand of Rachel only to marry her older sister first. And remember, to err may be human but to devise a strategy avoiding all responsibility of said error IS THE AMERICAN WAY.
Posted by Tish at February 26, 2006 12:52 PM
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Comments
Yeah, Moses, but what if it starts raining ham hocks, then what? Huh? Eat your rice cake and shut your pie hole.
Posted by: old horsetail snake at February 26, 2006 02:43 PM
Girly Cakes?????
I was sold a long time ago on that Golden Rule thing, besides we have to go underground with the Ten Commandments since we're not allowed to display them much, not to mention the Nativity.
Moses is really "with it", not as stubborn as he used to be.
Posted by: Paul of York at February 26, 2006 03:46 PM
Can we expect a committee investigation by righteous and indignant Pharisees, I mean, Senators acting out on CSPAN about the remarks Moses made? Pleeeze say no. Pleeeeze.
Posted by: Mike (exscientia) at February 26, 2006 07:51 PM
I think Moses needs to bring back the locusts. I mean that way no one would have to go back to work. Forget technology let's go old school!
Posted by: meeta at February 27, 2006 01:12 PM