« Sometimes I WISH I was Catholic | Main | How Chuck Norris saved my life »
April 25, 2006
HUMPERDINK!!!
The house reeked of mutton and Camphophenique. The wife badgered my patient both verbally and physically, and despite my attempts of redirection, the entire therapy session became a near reenactment of the Princess Bride's Miracle Max scene.
After 'Valerie' counseled me on the various methods of constipation cures, 'Max' offered his condolences to me.
"Too bad you have to listen to that drivel." He gestured at Valerie wiping the kitchen table clean. "She's the reason I have heartburn, you know?"
"LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MR. SMARTY-ASS." She flung the wet rag at his bald head. "The reason you have heartburn is from eating whats-her-face's chili last night. Serves you right, Mr. Flirt with a Whore!"
"They aren't a whore if you don't pay, Miss Know it All!" His belch garnered another death glare complete with a large Tums bottle narrowly missing his left shoulder. "Watch it, woman. I know where you sleep."
This went on for about 45 minutes until he looked up a divorce lawyer's phone number in the small town phone book.
"GIVE ME THE PHONE."
"Here's the damn phone." She slid the outdated cordless monstrocity to his feet. "ASK FOR MARTIN, WHY DON'T YOU??"
His face bulged with anger. "DON'T EVER SAY HIS NAME AGAIN IN THIS HOUSE, YOU HEAR ME??"
"MARTIN MARTIN MARTIN!!" She danced a geriatric jig while torturing her husband.
Then the doorbell rang.
"Mom, Dad?" An elegant, cultured daughter floated into the dark paneled living room.
"Oh, hello dear." Twilight Zone transformation into Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver.
On my way out, the daughter went to the bathroom and I swear "Max" shook the phonebook at his wife. She flashed a butter knife.
Now, where is Fezzik?
Posted by Tish at April 25, 2006 03:51 PM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.tishasharp.com/cgi-bin/mt-tb.cgi/468
Comments
My God. Is this real? Do you often muscle people while you're in danger from flying things?
Posted by: Old Horsetail Snake at April 25, 2006 05:12 PM
Makes you wonder how your folks act when you're not around, doesn't it?
Posted by: Jean at April 25, 2006 05:35 PM
"There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do."
Posted by: Mike (ex scientia) at April 25, 2006 06:46 PM
And so life ends for some.
Tish, I always laugh then get a little sad from wondering why it ends that way instead of watching TV and holding hands, supporting each other. I'm naive, aren't I?
There are times, like you go through, when my absence of sense of smell seems a gift. I don't know how you handle it; or maybe this is partly the way.
Having said all that, you're recounting of the lovebirds is hilarious.
Posted by: Paul of York at April 25, 2006 08:21 PM
Thats priceless!
Posted by: echotig at April 25, 2006 08:33 PM
Too flipping funny Tish. Especially that they were so open about it in front of you but clammed up in front of their daughter.
Posted by: Grins at April 26, 2006 08:20 AM
Mem-ries...
like the flying Tums bot-tle... ;)
Posted by: Skunkfeathers at April 26, 2006 12:21 PM
What were you there for? I mean other than referee or witness to a murder? You couldn't have gotten anything done.
Seems there should be times like that you say bye-bye, I'll be back when you're human.
Posted by: Paul of York at April 26, 2006 04:08 PM